Day Five – Insecurities
I woke up terribly annoyed this morning. I have a tendency to lucid dream frequently, which can be wonderful, but it can also get away from me at times. Times like this morning. Now the lead up chapters to this dream are not important, but the climax of the story really bothered me. Essentially the plot led to me, my Dear Heart, and my roommate bumping into and getting into a conflict with a certain guy that’s motivated my violence reflex (Let’s just say his name rhymes with Smegory. He said a few things to my Dear Heart that provoked the situation and I proceeded to start hitting him. Now a little violence is not unknown to ones dreams but this is where my insecurities become painfully obvious to me. As I started to hit him, there was no power to my strikes. Weak and ineffective strikes as he just stood there and laughed at me for trying. This of course made me angrier causing me to lose my tempter at my own weakness and his gloating. At which point I proceeded to pummel him in a feather pillow type consistency and throw him aside. His limp form lands weightlessly on the side of a hanging fluorescent light and then slowly slides to the ground. At which point me Dear Heart screams and runs to his side, yelling out at me “how could you do such a thing” and looking at me with eyes filled with terror, disgust and anger. I turned my head to my roommate to the see only him shaking his head, “Too far, he deserved it, but you went too far”. At this I was overwhelmed with a feeling of lose as I looked to my Dear Heart and knew that I had lost her. Only to hear Smegory start to snicker from his limp pulped body, whispering words only I could here, “I win”.
At this point I woke up, the taste of my anger at him still pumping fresh and at full in my veins. To say that this bothered me would be an understatement of grand proportions. I accept that Smegory hurt my feelings, betrayed me, and is someone I would very much never want to deal with again, but for the thought of such a person raising such a reaction in me is troubling. I’ve always known that I had a temper, but it was a something that I learned to keep strong chains on and would very rarely let out of my control. Being a creature of my size and girth, it’s a dangerous thing to lose control. I think this is where some of the other insecurities struck me. It was seeing my Dear Heart witness the anger that could possibly lie inside me or the idea of the pain I could cause, and rejecting me that really hurt. I know that the true version of my Dear Heart is far more understanding and this situation would never occur, but it still left me feeling off. It wouldn’t be the first time a person left me because they were scared of the possibility of me losing my temper, even if it has never hurt anyone yet in my 30 years of life. If nothing else this has given me a few things to think about for self improvement, and when I subconsciously think my weaknesses are. Above all else though it actually pleases me to know that both consciously and subconsciously I fear losing my Dear Heart. It has been a very long time since I last felt as connected to a person as I do to her.
I’m definitely not going to screw this one up 
Other than wonderfully disturbing dream the rest of the day was quite productive and fun. Rui and I spent most the day hanging out and playing video game (well he played). I got a chance to clean off the patio, buy some shirts and even found a table for out on the deck so I can sit out there and write. Altogether an enjoyable day ^_^
Ps. Dear Heart, I love you. Forever and a day, I don’t think I’ll ever really get the chance to tell you that enough.
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