A Morning of Autophobia
So in the wee hours of this morning, with only an hour or so sleep under my belt I was passively cornered by a silent woman expecting comfort or confrontation. No matter how much I seemed to pray this moment would never come, it did, and I had to man up and face it. So we talked, and I said most of my piece. I didn’t want to say anything that would hurt her feelings and I put the effort into trying only to use “I” statements, so as not to point blame. It went pretty much as I expected, sadness, fear, followed by blaming me and attacking, then back to the sadness in an attempt to make me back down, and then grief as she realized that I wasn’t going too. I really, really wanted to back down. It hurt me to be put in that situation and have to choose to cause pain instead of taking it away, but I guess that’s why they call it tough love. It sure ain’t easy, but it is necessary sometimes.
Now I’m hiding out in the Café and just trying to distract myself and stop thinking about the situation. Still can’t seem to shake the nausea, but it’s slowly getting better. Now to just keep from crying in public, and to let myself actually feel emotions instead of just bottling them up. I keep think, what would dad or grandpa do when they felt like this. Dad would go to work and stay there for a week or two, Grandpa would go to church and hide in his workshop and loose himself in a project, or go fishing. Maybe that’s what I should do. Take up fishing down at the breakwater.
I really do just want to curl up and fall asleep until this feeling goes away.
Note: Autophobia refers to an extreme dislike of oneself, or being angry at oneself. The term is also used to designate a dislike or hatred of a group to which one belongs. For instance, “ethnic self-hatred” is the extreme dislike of one’s ethnic group.
