The smell of coffee and the sounds of Alzu’s at night.
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Warning – Emotional ranting, and totally not worth the read. You’ve been warned.
My gut is absolutely spinning right now, and just doesn’t seem to want to stop. Part of me feels like I just want to curl up and cry, or scream, or just shut down. While another part of me, just wants to go cold, put the walls back up and dust myself off and get on with my life.
The cold part is the comforting default for me. The walls go up and I can’t get hurt that way, but it also leaves me feeling less connected to the rest of the world. The last time I let my walls go up I pretty much turned into an insensitive asshole and didn’t care who I stepped on along the way. I see that now, and don’t want to be that guy again. But I can’t keep going along the path I’m currently on, it’s going to kill me, or at least extinguish the flame that is any passion I have. Sorry that got way to emo and far to deep, at an inappropriate rate.
Let’s try this again from the beginning. Last night I had a heated argument with the woman that I’ve been completely in love with for almost the past year. We’re actually only days away from our first year anniversary. But things have been on the boil with me for a while now, and last night things just kind of collapsed in on me. A slightly annoying incident set in motion a cascade effect of pent up feelings and troubles. Normally in this situation I would either just vent and get the issues off my shoulders and then wall up and ride out the storm of whatever was to come next. That or just give myself a little quiet time to rage inside my head (this is what is going on when I’m quiet and looking serious) and say what I need to say in the safety of my own thoughts and just let it all slide away. But unfortunately last night some of the thoughts got pulled up from the screaming brain, and the reaction to them just made things worse. It truly made me feel like she was patronizing my feelings and that since she’s had bad things happen in her life how I feel doesn’t matter. It made me hate her, and in that moment I felt myself fall out of love with her. Just gave up the fight to make this relationship work and ended it. At least it did within me. The problem is that the world outside my brain doesn’t know this has occurred, and I don’t know what I WANT to do about it. I know what I should do, or what I’ve heard people say I need to do, but I really don’t know what I want to do.
She’s the first girl that I’ve truly and properly loved in a long time, and for me that’s an unusual and scary feeling. I’ve put so much effort and energy into trying to make this work and to get past my old hang ups and relationship problems, that the last thing I want to do is give up now. Which would be fine, if it wasn’t killing me to keep it going the way it is. Now just to decide what I can possibly do to fix this situation, or get this relationship train back on the tracks.
